I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
