I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
