dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
