How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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