we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
