cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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