There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
