i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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