The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize