I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
