I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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