Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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