Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
