Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
