My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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