He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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