I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
