So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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