how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I understand Curling. That high.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
