Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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