So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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