I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
