my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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