I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
