ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
