do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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