Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
