I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
