dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
