i need an iv and a liver transplant
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
