saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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