I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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