I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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