Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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