omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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