the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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