just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
