He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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