I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
