I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
