A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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