Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
