she was so not down for the gang bang
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
