I must be too annoying 4 u.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
