I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
