Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
