he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
