I need to stop coming to work sober
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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