it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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