you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
