On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
