don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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