Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
