I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
