Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
