I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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