I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
