dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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