Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
