Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize